It is another glorious day on Mr. Musk’s wonderful internet. We rise early to get the best content ready in time for him to log on! Probably he will have a good idea about international relations or war, or a car that could become a boat (or a boat that could become a car!), and it will be a privilege to hear about that, as it always is. I cannot wait to spend another wonderful day on Mr. Musk’s wonderful internet! I love to make value for Mr. Musk!

When Mr. Musk began his takeover of Twitter, he brought a physical sink with him to the company’s headquarters and tweeted, “Let that sink in”! He changed his bio to “Chief Twit”! It is no exaggeration to say that he is as funny as he is brilliant! He makes me laugh so much! I am laughing just thinking about how brilliant he is and how wonderful it is that he is in control of Twitter now! We’re all in a much better place now that he’s here. I smile brightly with all my teeth!

He wrote about the need for a “common digital town square.” And he is so right for that! It’s just like my real town square, with chain coffee shops that are inside banks. Thank God for the town square, a branded space I cannot linger in for any length of time without being strongly urged to make a purchase of some kind.

Mr. Musk said in an ingenious, perfectly worded note to advertisers that he did not want Twitter to become a “free-for-all hellscape.” That’s always reassuring to hear! And it certainly won’t! There aren’t any signs of that happening! The people excited that he is taking over Twitter so that they can finally be unleashed are all people who have been waiting all this time to do good things!

Finally, we have a wonderful place where free debate can flourish! (“Where a wide range of beliefs can be debated in a healthy manner, without resorting to violence,” as Mr. Musk so wisely put it.) All that censorious content moderation from before was just standing in the way of all the wonderful ideas that people were bringing to market, ideas like, “die, [unprintable].”

Twitter used to be gross and bad and there used to be many people there who felt comfortable openly saying negative things about fascists! Rude! Everyone knows that the only way to combat fascism is to let them be heard and let them silence — through threats of violence — anyone who disagrees with them. The only thing that stops fascists is listening to them really, really carefully. That was what happened in the 1940s, I believe. I don’t remember the time before I joined Mr. Musk’s wonderful internet so well!

The best part of Mr. Musk’s wonderful internet is all the voices we did not have to hear before. I’m sorry, “get” to hear! “Get” to hear! My mistake! I just know that everything is for the best here!

Did I mention that Mr. Musk is not only a genius but also of course extraordinarily physically compelling? That he stands at an enormous height on his diamond feet? He is dazzling and tall! All his ideas are the best and I will pay good dogecoin to hear them! Nothing explodes!

He has made everything better and we are all so happy now. It’s certainly not a hellish echo chamber he maintains where we are all trapped making him feel good and smart! It’s just another glorious day on Mr. Musk’s wonderful internet! It’s just another glorious day on Mr. Musk’s wonderful internet!

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